If you can’t stop texting your ex, here’s are 10 things that could change if you did
Seriously, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you stopped texting your ex right now? Then what’s the best thing that could happen if you were to stop texting your ex? These are two very important questions if this is your current struggle, and you’re not alone.
I could go into all the reasons you continue to stay in contact with an ex, especially when you shouldn’t, but I’m not here to give you reasons why you should stop. I would rather tell you the things that can happen if you did.
You’ll regain your sense of self
In time, you’ll feel like you, again. I know to many that may seem scary at first, to seem like you’ve lost a part of yourself (in someone else and in that relationship), and that’s a pretty natural part of the process of becoming more self-reliant.
I know that as a married woman I don’t have much room to talk, since I am married, but that doesn’t mean I am to lose myself in my husband, like I have done in previous relationships.
When you stop texting your ex, you’ll discover who you are outside that relationship and someone else, such as your individual likes, dislikes, passions, preferences, beliefs and so on.
[Related Read: 11 Reasons to stop texting your ex]
You’ll focus less on how they hurt you
This may seem kind of crazy but, for me, this is one of the first things to happen after a breakup and ceasing contact with an ex. I found that when I was wrapped up in my feelings or bombarded by emotions the most, it was because conversations kept resurfacing sporadically or I caved to the temptation of “just one more response“.
But, seriously, the moment I made the conscious decision to halt all contact it was as if a weight was lifted, because I had decided that the situation (and, frankly, the pain from it) was no longer mine to carry. Plus, it was like I somehow knew that going dark altogether would dispel a lot of or most of the pain. When I stopped texting an ex, I was no longer picking at the wound and could actually allow it to heal over.
It may not be an immediate effect like in my experience, but if you think about it, severing yourself from the very thing causing you pain might, in fact, help you focus less on the hurt.
The idea of loneliness will release its grip upon you
There’s a part of me that understands – staying in contact with an ex somehow offers this sense of connection to them in your life. And if you stop talking to them altogether, you’re officially alone, then cue the waves of dreaded and indefinite loneliness that follow.
Have you thought about it from another angle? That keeping in contact with an ex is actually causing you to feel the effects of loneliness. It’s certainly possible that texting your ex can make you feel stuck in a holding pattern of fear.
There’s already evidence that some of the happiest, connected people are still some of the loneliest in today’s society, so we shouldn’t base being lonely strictly on how many connections you have, or that staying connected to certain individuals prevents loneliness.
In some cases, detachment may be necessary if texting your ex already makes you feel like you’re alone.
False hope will stop being an anticipation
The false hope of recovery, repair, reconciliation, repentance and even reparation. When it comes to breakups, we’re all really wishing for something to happen, especially if we’re staying in contact with an ex.
It’s not that these things don’t or can’t happen – they do!
I think the difference is when you become dependent on a specific outcome, you expect it to happen, especially if an attempt forward was made. But when the feeling isn’t mutual, effort isn’t reciprocated or that apology never comes, heartbreak seems to repeat its gruesome cycle.
If you stop texting your ex, you eliminate the stronghold of false hope, since that first glimmer is constantly being reinforced by their every response. When you stop texting an ex, you ultimately release yourself from an anticipated outcome you can’t control.
Certain presumptions will cease
The fact is, a lot of people will take it to the streets to say that if an ex is still contacting you post breakup, it’s because they still want to be with you or want to get back together.
While it can be true that someone still Loves and cares for you, it’s a mile-high stretch to assume beyond that, if they’re intentions aren’t clear, as a means to stay in contact. When you stop texting your ex (despite your wanting to get back together), you let go of any presumptions on their end.
You’ll truly be able to process your emotions
It’s almost like this: riding the merry-go-round is making you nauseas, but never getting off the ride will only continue making you feel sicker. The pain and grief we feel from a breakup are meant to be carefully and gently processed, and I would argue that can’t exactly happen if the object of that pain overshadows the ability and chance for healing.
It might not seem like a big deal to still be in contact with an ex, and some may even say it hurts less that way, but are you simply putting a band aid over a gaping wound?
When you remove the barrier, or stop texting your ex, you’re taking the step to actually get off the merry-go-round.
Resisting temptation is improved
When you stop texting your ex, even when tempted, that’s self-control. When you stop texting your ex, you’ll eventually be tempted less.
When you’re no longer tempted to reach out or respond to their advances, you’ll have a better understanding of the addiction you had to the dopamine effect of staying in contact, and how a simple text or response was enough to send you spiraling.
Anxiousness, anger and confusion will dissipate
I’m sure right off the bat you’re convinced this is so unlikely – the opposite, actually. And while I can’t promise this necessarily, I’ve stated already that once you remove the common denominator (wedge, barrier, obstacle) that’s causing or contributing to the anxiousness and anger you’re experiencing, the pressure is released, and the path forward gives way.
Besides, it’s true that if you take yourself out of the environment that is making you sick, you’re setting yourself up for healing (improvement). That said, when you stop texting your ex, you free yourself from the source of anxiety, confusion, bitterness and resentment.
You’ll stop relying on them for attention
Let’s be real, here – if you’re not staying in contact out of Love and mutual intent, then it’s for validation. I’m not here to judge, because I was there, too. I entertained the idea of having someone by their heartstrings, and I was also dumb enough to fall for sweet words designed to make being dumped a little easier (on them, for me).
Receiving a text from an ex (who I still cared about and had feelings for) was like being jolted by a defibrillator – it’s never a good sign to need one, but I liked the feeling, anyway. Basically, the extreme highs and lows I experienced from getting, giving and withholding attention was as jarring as it was addictive.
In all my breakup experiences, this was never a good look on either party (even if feelings were genuine) and it never ended well. So when you stop texting your ex, you essentially stop playing games with one another’s heart and feelings because you realize how wrong and manipulative that is.
You’ll quit certain things cold turkey
I’m just saaaaaying, when I stopped texting an ex, there were certain things that came to screeching halt almost immediately.
I stopped crying myself to sleep, spending my days ruminating, and skipping meals! Total wins, if you ask me.
It’s not just about things you quit but even things you start doing (like getting back into the gym on day #1) – changes are nearly instantaneous and usually for the better when you stop texting your ex.
How to resist the urge of texting an ex (10 ways)
Delete/block their number. Pulling out the big guns on the first go, but this is the one surefire way to prevent yourself from texting an ex and ceasing contact entirely. *This includes removing them from your socials as well – the less exposure means the less you’ll know (and see), which means the less you’ll be tempted!
Text someone else, instead. Even if you have to text a friend, text out what your response would’ve been. Sometimes the confirmation of typing it out, hitting send, and having a friend reply is enough to satisfy the temptation to reach out or respond to an ex.
Leave texts on Read without actually reading them. I remember doing this often, and I had a strategy nailed down on how I could open their texts and close out of them without actually reading them. This was easy to do with phones that had keypads. Sometimes I even deleted them (without reading them). Then, when I wouldn’t be as tempted to read bolded, unread messages waiting for me. Now, this does take some skill and will power since we’re dealing with touch screens, but it can be done. **If you know how to manually blur your vision like the small percentage can, use that to your advantage.
Install a breakup app?! Sorry, I am just discovering this one. Apparently, there are apps designed to hold you accountable, help you resist the urge to reach out and respond. Um, this might be a game changer in our text-obsessed culture.
Rewire your muscle memory. This takes persistence and time, but I found – personally – that it helped to ask myself, “What will this actually achieve?” anytime I felt the inclination to reach out or whenever I received a text. Evaluating and reflecting on certain prompts in the moment can help divert your attention, even for a split second, and bring you back to a grounded, logical place of decision-making.
Leave your phone at home. Listen, most text regrets happen on the spot. For instance, you’re out with a group of friends and had a little too much to drink, and you think it’s the perfect time to say what’s on your mind. Or, a specific memory scraped across your still sensitive wound, and you jump to send a rage text before you’re even aware of it.
The idea here is to not have your phone with you at every and all times – do what you can to create some space between you and the device that ultimately tempts you into doing certain things you’ll regret later. You will survive without it attached to your hip, I promise.
Tell your ex to stop texting you. Half of the main issue could be that the problem is not you doing the bidding (reaching out) but your ex ensuing contact with you. Being the one to confront the culprit may be tough, but I think oftentimes has the most success – we’re either too consumed with the possibility of hurting their feelings or completely severing that cord. This is another big leap that may actually make beneficial changes.
Stay busy. Okay, let’s not go overboard with hyper-productivity. BUT, let’s say you’re the most tempted and likely to text your ex when lounging on the couch watching Netflix. That’s the trigger, and there’s your cue to Go. Do. Something. Else.
Journal it or write them an undelivered letter. I’ve been there – I’ll conjure up just the right thing to say in a given moment that I HAVE to get it down and out in words. Here’s the thing, not everything we want to say needs to be said. Some things are better left unsaid, and not everything they say to you needs, requires or deserves a response, either. **Write that down somewhere and repeat it!
But if it matters that much to get the words down and formulated into sentences, even if they go unread and unheard, write it or journal it. Sometimes moving on from something or getting closure is about self-revelation (a realization, better understanding or clarity on something), even if you don’t share it.
Get in His word. For me, I notice when I am in the midst of temptation and I turn to God and his word, the temptation fades and I overcome the immediate, fleshly desire I was so desperate to carry out. Many times, its simply reminding myself that God is in control, not me, and to surrender that to Him rather than stubbornly take the reins myself.
I don’t know who this may specifically be for, or who needs to hear it, but turning back to God has saved me from myself and gotten me through the heartaches and turmoil of this life.