For the struggling bride: how to pick your bridesmaids

Through the course of getting engaged, wedding planning is supposed to be fun, yet it can also be stressful. For the struggling bride to be, here’s my take on how to pick your bridesmaids from a bride who chose NONE.

I fear that today this dilemma commonly destroys more friendships than it holds together – you can read more on why I decided against having a bridal party entirely.

While the bridal party is an important aspect in a bride and groom’s wedding, it also has an emotional hype. For many, it creates this intangible tier, nonetheless, as far as who is ranked first to last. Regardless of who and where your bridal party stands, these are the people that should feel honored, as a friend, to have a role in one of the most important moments of your life.

If you’re having a difficult time deciding on who to pick as your bridesmaids, these words of advice (from someone who did without a bridal party, to begin with) may come in great hand to help you in the decision-making process.

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how to pick your bridesmaids [+ 6 Non-Sugarcoated Things Brides Need To Consider]

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1 | Think twice before asking

You’ve made your list – you’ve narrowed it down to twenty – that’s…a start. Your list is long because you don’t want to leave anyone out or make anyone feel less important than another (say, for example, someone whose wedding you were in so you feel obligated to return the “favor”).

Think twice before asking. 

Coming from someone who chose to have no bridal party, you literally can’t and won’t please everyone. So be rest assured that if you are worried about offending someone…you might need to start raising questions about those individuals to begin with. The moment you are hesitant about giving somebody that title of being in your wedding and in your wedding photos is when to lean on discernment. If you’re on the fence, evaluate the friendship currently (not based on the past).

Food for thought: many brides don’t actually see it from the other end. While the honor (of being a bridesmaid) is an honor – not everyone may be up for the task, or wish for it. Fact: they’d rather be on the sidelines. As harsh as that may sound, hold that thought.

There are some very legitimate reasons here. Budget being a big one – we shouldn’t hold someone to a higher standard beyond what they can afford (even if that’s “time”). And if I’m honest, brides will say time and time again that being a bridesmaid isn’t all that expensive. I say that’s a dirty lie used to test people’s loyalty, so be careful with that one.

Yes, yes it is. Expensive in time and money, in fact.

It may be that this person has been in many weddings thus far in her life – she’s exhausted, and would rather avoid the hype altogether and actually get to enjoy going to a wedding without being in it. Here, freaking, here.

Also, think of their own schedules. Is this person welcoming a baby in the near future (or is wrangling them, period), or did she/is she getting married herself around the same time frame? Does she live across the country – meaning, getting to and fro to make important bridesmaid deadlines and randevús – making the aspect of honoring this title more difficult?

On the flip side – have you thought how this person feels about the friendship in comparison to you? The hardest part for any bridesmaid is to turn down a friend – who, in fact, isn’t exactly on the same level of friendship as you. While in the end, this might be the person in your bridal party you never hear from or see again – all because she didn’t want the guilt of declining the title. *This was my experience with many whom I invited to my wedding (yikes). BUT, also, this doesn’t necessarily mean that person isn’t a friend (per say) simply because they don’t want the *title*.

Again, if your list is long or you are afraid of cutting people out – remember this and dig a little deeper than the reason simply being because you’ve known one another for 10 years.

2 | Review your personal expectations

You’re getting married – it’s all about you and your fiance now – there’s no better time to feel important. And that’s why we treat our wedding day like we will only experience it once in our lives, right? More the reason to go beyond the limits – yet that sometimes can take a nasty turn for the worst if you let it.

As for the bridesmaids, it’s customary that they purchase their dress of the bride’s choosing (again, customary, not enforced). Just as for all bridesmaid duties – they’re all customary. But let’s be real, just because Valet is “complimentary”, you still feel expected to tip. Therefore, you’re going to have those expectations of your bridesmaids.

Here’s what you need to ask yourself: what exactly do I expect of my bridesmaids?

Are you expecting them to be at every dress fitting, hair trial, makeup trial, or scheduled bridesmaid meeting? Do they need to participate in the making of wedding favors, centerpieces or even the setting up and down the day of the wedding? Are they expected to collaborate on the plans and paying for/attending the Bridal Shower or Bachelorette Party? Will your needs only be met if they’re willing to drop their lives on a dime? Are there participation deductions (ie. being thrown out of the wedding or demoted from MOH or bridesmaid to simply a “guest”) if they cannot attend certain events, such as missing appointments, the Bachelorette Party, or Bridal Shower? More importantly, in the event, will you see/treat them less of a friend? Are they in charge of paying for their hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry and dress for the big day? Are you willing to step up and “help a girl out” if some of these extremities are outside her budget?

Whatever expectations you have – go down your list, right now, to each individual and now ask yourself: Would I be willing to meet all of these expectations for them on their big day? Why or why not?

3 | Give the M.O.H. title responsibly and appropriately

Duh, it’s your best friend of twenty years. Best and obvious choice.

But is it? The MOH has the most crucial role in your wedding – she’s the attendant to your every need on that big day, helping you get dressed, cross-communicating important deets with the planner, and even running last-minute errands. There’s a lot of trust in that, right? Can you rely on that person – would they do just about anything for you? Most importantly – have they been loyal as a friend?

Its more prominent that families with siblings automatically have the choosing of MOH, but it’s not entirely like that. I being an only child, I wouldn’t have had that choice. And to be frank – picking a MOH would have been more difficult than making a list for a bridal party because I don’t think I rank anyone higher above the other in terms of close friendships at my adult age.

To be even more honest, I surely would not have chosen any long-time friend to be my MOH. And isn’t that saying something?

The point is, think about quality in terms of your friends. The MOH does not mean it has the be your best friend that you’ve known the longest, or the one who is BEGGING to be your maid of honor. The MOH is the one who can take on the most responsibility, who you trust with every inch and detail of your big day, will shut their trap regarding opinions when not asked of them, and can be relied on respectfully (again, the loyalty aspect). For instance, if your bouquet hasn’t shown up the morning of your wedding – your MOH would be on that, if not up the rear of the wedding planner/coordinator you’re paying for.

4 | Avoid playing Tit-for-Tat

You were asked to be in her wedding, so you have to return the favor – [eye roll].

Who made up that rule?

If you were asked to be in a wedding that you joyfully accepted, that does NOT mean you are in her debt. Being asked as a bridesmaid is, again, an honor – whether you’re good friends, co-workers, mutual friends or acquaintances. So if the honor is not given in return that shouldn’t change the meaning or quality of your friendship.

Unfortunately, though – we allow it to, anyway. It doesn’t mean we should feel guilty about it. This is the moment where the rest of our lives is a partnership, so not everyone is expected to make the cut in being a part of it.

And we, as women – the more empathetic, connective, emotional creatures we are – really need to be more accepting of that.

5 | Numbers mean absolutely nothing

Whether you have 200 on your guest list, or 20 – nothing says you can’t just have a total bridal party of four, or two – or none! 

For a short time I felt super weird about the fact my husband had zero issues coming up with 15 guys he would make his groomsmen, while I only coughed up a good 4 or 5. And that was pushing it. I also felt shame in what people would think having no bridal party at all – like, do they HAVE any friends?

FFS, however many bridesmaids you have or whether you have any at all has nothing to do with personal status or popularity, people! So don’t listen to your sorority sisters who all feel they’re entitled to the title – dead serious, they’re really just there for the booze, catch the bouquet and hopes to land a single guy, anyhow.

With that, there’s no shame in having only a MOH and a BM standing up there with you at a 200 person wedding, or going completely against the norm and not having a bridal party at all. Who TF cares what others think?

And if you want over 10, because you easily have it and the budget for it…nobody’s stopping you there, either.

6 | Who says a bridesmaid can’t be your grandma?

Seriously!

And I’ll say it again: if your grandma is the greatest thing to you since sliced bread and sweet tea, then you can damn-well make her a bridesmaid for your big day.

The title of a bridesmaid is primarily who you care the most about being up there and being that honorable part of your special day and time in your life. There’s no say in that bridesmaids are limited to only your friends, girls or “humans” period.

That’s right, I’m talking about your dog/cat. It’s about who you want up there as witness to the most special day of your life thus far.