In my single, adult life, I created a specific standard: I would not date someone I met at a bar. That’s right, I completely cut out dating from the bar scene. And I deep dive into why in this post.
First, I want to start off by saying “to each their own”, but maybe if my reasoning is better understood others will, too.
[Related Read: To The Single Woman Tired Of Dating (Sometimes The Princess Has To Save Herself)]
It was a concept in dating that never sat well with me to begin with. And as far as the type of person that I am (more introverted, over-analytical and, well, anxiously cautious) – that alone is one of the biggest reasons why the bar scene was not the wisest dating option for me.
Maybe you’re someone who habitually goes to bars (or night clubs) to try and meet people (to potentially date) or have a long rap sheet of individuals you’ve met in the bar scene and through the consumption of alcohol. Maybe you’re looking for the sign and epiphany that I had – to cut out the bar scene from your dating life.
Why I cut the bar scene from my dating life (+ refused to date someone I met at a bar)
IMO, my negative stereotype was continually evident
We may never notice, but we all have dating stereotypes. From hair color, height, fashion choices to the kind of car they drive, their education or area of town they live in.
We’re told we should stop stereotyping in this way, and while I agree, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t proceed certain environments (and the people in them) with more caution. I think more or less I was stereotyping a place, and the negative idea of those created with it.
Needless to say, I had an ugly stigma dating anyone from a bar.
As terrible as that sounds, it didn’t matter who they were – the nicest, most generous man could have stepped foot in a bar – yet I simply couldn’t bring myself to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
This stereotype didn’t come from personal experience, and it didn’t need to. I never even dated anyone from a bar, yet I carried the belief that nothing good or genuine comes from an environment that perpetuates gluttony – over-indulgence and consumption.
And, no, this has nothing to do with being religious. I simply had zero trust in that anyone was actually looking for an honest relationship that way.
This is the same as those who think online dating is just a cesspool of people looking to hookup. I can agree with this, which results in there being a negative stereotype around online dating, too. I would also argue that online dating is over-indulgence as well! There are those out there who refuse to meet someone online, and that’s a commendable choice.
IMO, alcohol is not a love potion whatsoever
I didn’t want alcohol to be the reason someone noticed me, found me interesting or only wanted to get to know me through lustful hopefulness.
As the saying goes… people are either more or less interesting when they drink. So let’s be real and just admit for a second that alcohol either enlightens or darkens our true colors in some way. It can help the shy, quiet person come out of their shell, or the short-tempered, naturally ill-willed individual become violent.
The last thing that alcohol will do is make two people fall head over heels in love with one another. If anything, it will make two people fall in love with a false perception of one another.
I’m in no way saying enjoying a drink at a craft brewery equates to what I am talking about here.
Yet alcohol, IMO, still stands as a common denominating culprit. And one good, fun night to test the waters with someone new doesn’t guarantee a meaningful, healthy relationship.
IMO, the idea of being “preyed” upon made me nauseated
OK, I was there once – young and fresh meat in adulthood. There was a point I wanted to look sexy, go out, get the attention and affection I knew I could.
Thankfully, this phase didn’t last too long into my early twenties. After a disastrous long-term relationship that wedged itself into the party lifestyle, I knew it was time to call it quits. I couldn’t merge the two things.
And once I was single, going out only highlighted something different for me – I couldn’t unsee the preying effect it had on everyone. I found it disgusting seeing men with wandering eyes, constantly scouting the perimeter for something to satisfy their appetite.
To me, they weren’t looking for something real or long-lasting.
IMO, it’s not as easy as you may think
It’s the 21st century, so technology and the way of finding a potential mate has only become worse (by worse I mean more easily accessible, and not necessarily for the *better*). Online dating was still relatively new at the time for me, but now it is as crazy as Black Friday year-round.
Though, I’m finding more and more people today (now 15+ years in) are walking away from online dating. Kinda like I did with the bar scene.
Still, peoples’ lives are consumed with swiping content and profiles. We’re so easily distracted, avoidant, and attention-deficit, meeting someone in person and getting to know them for a couple hours is considered the new dating nightmare for many!
People are selfish and senseless, ceasing to feel shame or pain, living unrestrained and untethered in sensuality. It’s become an addictive, unsatisfiable craving yet we continue to succumb to it.
Out of desperation, the standard bar is often set at the bottom of the barrel, yet the bar scene and online dating are still considered default options in the dating place. Where the masses congregate, those will follow.
That was probably a tough read, and that’s the point. The point I’m trying to make is what was once something positive has now become a negative because people tend to ruin a good thing.
The same goes for online dating. It is far from what it was like years ago. To be honest, I’m embarrassed by what online dating has become. It is now equally too easy and too difficult at the same time while famed as being infiltrated by disingenuous, selfish people.
Here’s what I’m getting at with this point: we’re inclined to doing what is the easiest and with the least resistance when it’s actually not, and this becomes a perpetual cycle in the dating scene.