My fiance isn’t interested in the whole ‘planning a wedding’ thing. He doesn’t want to help when it comes to making decisions. He tends to shut down when I bring up the nuptuals and leaves everything up to me. It’s like he doesn’t care about our wedding day at all. I want him to WANT to care/help.
This really isn’t new news, unfortunately. Though oftentimes I think I can give a quick, short answer to what this means [to him] and that is: he doesn’t want to screw it up, say/do the wrong thing, be combative [with your wants/desires], and ultimately just wants to avoid a fight. *That last one, though, for real.
Also, no offense, but this is kinnnnnda like your groom saying, “my fiance doesn’t care about building this dream car with me.” While building a car (which isn’t a life milestone) and planning a wedding are widely, two [incomparably] different things – they both still share similarities: a lot of money, time, proactive effort and management, limitless [needless] options/decisions, mistakes, roadblocks, and the stress of making sure it runs perfectly. Yet building that car might be his lifelong dream, and the perfect wedding being yours. Am I right? That’s not to say he doesn’t care about marrying you, but he could be saying that IS what he cares most about over the logistics of a wedding.
Now that I’ve just compared a wedding to a car – let’s talk about why your fiance doesn’t seem all that interested in the wedding planning. First off: what percentage of the male population actually has a vision for their wedding day [before getting engaged]? That percentage is probably slim, and if they’re smart (as a single dude) they know not to commit to a vision that is likely day and night to their fiance’s. If I’m *really* honest, wedding planning [logistics] is simply not a man’s forte, nor is it something he “glamorizes/romanticizes”, at least not to the degree most women do. He’s over the moon just to show up, marry you, have some cake, dance like a fool and enjoy the company that witnesses it.
If he doesn’t seem to care about the wedding,
here’s how you can get him more involved in the planning
But let me get something out in the open: According to my husband, there are 4 types of guys, as far as the lack of involvement in wedding planning. These are his words exactly:
- The “Laissez Faire” – this is basically the guy who would marry you in a landfill and the officiant is a clown because he knows he is marrying you and that’s all that matters.
- The “Beat-Down” – this is the guy who attempts to help, voices his opinions when asked, and continually gets shot down because it’s against what his fiance truly wants. In the end, this guy realizes in the big scheme of things his help is not worth starting a fight over and caves into letting you get what you want without confrontation. So he “chooses his words wisely”, which may be far and few.
- The “Too Cool For School” – this is the guy who says he doesn’t care (when asked of his opinion, or who constantly paints the picture of the wedding as a complete joke), then later down the road becomes butt-hurt when the decisions made isn’t what he hoped. *He really wanted a rap artist as the DJ instead of a Jazz band.
- Mr. “Practicality” – this is the guy who doesn’t understand the wedding hype (and literally can’t see past the $$$ to justify it). His mind focuses on things like spending $800 on a 2-tier cake from a local bakery versus a $150, 4-tier cake from Publix. This is the ‘cake is cake’ guy. *Yes, he could also be called “The Cheapskate”. Needless to say, this is the guy who can’t grasp the fine line between practicality and quality, rebukes “splurging”, and squeezes to hold onto a budget tighter than his butt-cheeks hold in a fart.
So your Groom doesn’t seem to care all that much about the wedding planning, and you want him to WANT to be more involved. I got you. And while this advice might seem more on the unconventional side – the thing you have to remember is that men are not women, and women are not men.
Give him a break
I say this lightly. The guy just had to do one of the ballsiest things he will ever do in his life thus far (proposing to you), and he truly might need a minute. That’s a downright stressful event for him, even if he wanted it.
If you immediately dove into dates, guest lists, scheduled appointments to see venues, cake tastings, and a hair trial…he genuinely may be overwhelmed. Allow him some breathing room, or some time to enjoy simply being “engaged”. Besides, guys can be pretty stubborn, too. You can’t force your fiance to be “ready” or willing to do anything – he has to on his own. Otherwise, you risk the alternative, and that’s pushing him away.
So your best bet might be to dial it back, tone it down for some time and allow the dust to settle before jumping into the nitty gritty.
Communicate and empathize
Sometimes we over-analyze what is meant by ‘he doesn’t care ‘. This can turn into, ‘he doesn’t care about me, the wedding, helping and getting married at all‘. Whatever the case, it’s important to communicate and empathize, meaning to put yourself in their shoes, looking at their perspective through their lens. Oftentimes their actions, reactions (or lack thereof), or behavior is not to intentionally disappoint, hurt, or upset you. I think a lot of guys just figure this [wedding] is an ordeal “we” [women] handle ourselves.
He may seem like he doesn’t care, but he just may not mind you taking the reins in order for you to have the wedding you’ve dreamed of (and without him getting in the way of that). Much like the phrase, “If you’re happy, I’m happy!”After all, shouldn’t that be a dream reality for some?
But if his lack of involvement bugs you, this is something to communicate rather than let come to a head. Tell him that this wedding is important to you, and that means wanting to know it’s important to him, too. He may simply need to know that he is allowed to take up space, and it not just be “your” day but considered “our” day.
And if help is what you need, you’re going to have to ask. Again, he likely wants to avoid stepping on any toes or putting his nose somewhere it doesn’t belong. But in doing so, you will also need to take your fiance’s input, advice, and effort into account…whether it’s what you wanted or not.
Compromise (without tricking him)
So you really like navy and coral but also pink and gold, though in your gut you know you’ll end up siding with navy and coral. But you decide to get a “second opinion” by asking your groom what he thinks. In turn, he picks the pink and gold. Instead, you immediately detest by eliminating his chosen option (sure, maybe with a valid excuse) and proceed with navy and coral.
What was the point of asking him, again? Oh, right, for his “opinion”. We’re you going to consider his opinion even if it wasn’t aligned with yours?
Nonetheless, that example is what “Laissez Faire” and the “Beat Down” types are afraid of. Granted, that scenario doesn’t necessarily lead to a fight, but the groom is left in the exact place he started. That’s not genuine involvement nor is it compromise. So if they don’t feel that their opinions truly matter, they’re more likely to think, “What is the point of my help/involvement?” They surely aren’t signing up to be this annoying buzzing fly getting swatted at in the background.
Keep it easy by giving him options
Slow down. Sometimes it’s what you are asking that is too much. Don’t show your fiance 1,000 different flower options and colors, to then go, “Okay, now which ones do you like?” Out of 100, he has to PRAY he lands on at least ONE you like. That’s a lot more pressure than you think.
That’s not asking for help – that’s asking for problems. Plus, that doesn’t make the decision very easy for him, when he probably and genuinely doesn’t care WHAT flowers go in the arrangements. So you probably will get that dreaded response, “I don’t care, you pick.” Instead, show him two, three, or five options MAX that you like most. And with that, be prepared to go with the one he chooses.
Again, simple options. Avoid too many gray areas or limitless extremities (multiple variations of options). Another way to do this is to pick an option you like, and one you know/think he would like.
Chocolate, raspberry, or vanilla.
Champagne, Rose pink, or pure white. Not endless variations of white, like ivory, sand, stark white, soft white, cream, eggshell, etc.
I remember asking my husband, “Chocolate, vanilla, or marble cake?” And he yells, “Chocolate….and Key Lime Pie!” So, guess what? He got both.
Add in things or ideas you know he will enjoy
If he has mentioned something – anything – or has a particular interest/hobby able to be incorporated into the wedding – do it! If your fiance enjoys golf, ride off at the end of your reception in a golf cart or look into having mini golf set up at your reception. If he really loves basketball, mention having a basketball groom cake. If fishing and hunting are his life, have his boutonniere be a fish hook or made from a bullet shell.
Basically, incorporate him. Whether it’s silly, tacky, or completely stupid, pull off something that is going to make him feel special, too.
Don’t allow the wedding to be consumed with negativity
Guys want nothing to do with wedding drama. You know this. So obviously they are likely to pull away when the wedding becomes more stressful than it is enjoyable. This is a natural response – this is self-preservation.
Sometimes we don’t get exactly what we expect, drama arises with the bridal party, the budget gets exceeded, and things don’t always go off without a hitch. You are going to encounter speed humps, setbacks, and less-than-desired inevitables. And when things go wrong, who is [usually] the first person that becomes the target for your frustrations? Exactly. We can have the tendency to project our anger on our future forever. Do you think he’s going to want any part in that, *regardless if you blame his “lack of help” for all the stress? I wouldn’t.
Stress less over the small, meaningless stuff.
Actively listen and take in what he has to say when he says it
I think in the moments of pure bliss and the whirlwind of thoughts about the big day, we can shrug over or even ignore our groom’s advances pertaining to the big day. We don’t actually take the time to listen when they do speak, whether that is few and far in between.
Of course you may not mean to intentially, as you’re flipping through your wedding spreadsheet and sorting through brochures and vouchers in your handy-dandy wedding binder, yet as you’re deep in your own thoughts you just might hear a mumble as he says, “Wouldn’t it be cool, since we both love Star Wars, to ____ [do our main entrance as a light saber fight, with a fog machine and a star wars song in the background]?” *And it may just have been absolute brilliance, if you hadn’t missed it.
Sure, maybe a lot of the stuff he says can be *stupid*, like eye-rolling ridiculous. But even if you *joke along*, hey, at least you’re taking in what he’s saying rather than shutting him down or calling his ideas idiotic or childish. If he mentions twenty times too many how awesome it would be to roast a legit pig at your Luau-inspired wedding, talk shop about doing a pulled pork BBQ buffet as an alternative.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Make time outside of “wedding talk”
Yeahhhh, I can imagine us anxious and excited brides can be super guilty of this. And our poor future husbands are just anxiously waiting for there to *finally* be something other than the wedding to talk about.
Make it known that there are *more important* things than the wedding – not just by words, but showing it. There is time for wedding talk, while there should also be time without it. Leave the wedding in your binder, and your computer folders or Pinterest boards at home. Go on dates, spend quality time together (wedding-talk free), and show your fiance your new lives together matter beyond the wedding.
Avoid becoming his worst nightmare
You know what I mean here. And I swear if EVERY guy was asked ONE thing that would make them keen on helping and being more involved in wedding planning it would be THIS: “If I knew my bride wouldn’t turn into a BrideZilla.“
Again, not everything will go exactly – to the “T” – your way. It may not all run “smoothly”. There will be moments, effort, and even people – including your fiance – that will fall short of perfection in terms of wedding contribution. Whether your FMIL insists on wearing white, the forecast calls for rain during your ceremony or dealing with difficult guests who decided to write in a plus one you didn’t agree to.
Is pettiness really going to be what ruins your magical day between you and the love of your life?
And I’m just saying, from a guy’s perspective with a BrideZilla, he’s simply counting down the days til the wedding is OVER and done with. So don’t let it come to that – you want to make this a day he, too, won’t *want* to forget, let alone *get over with*.
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