There are subtle signs and there are clear signs that you are dating a liar, or compulsive liar. Sometimes the signs are clearer when you’re not looking for them, but most don’t think anything of it until it’s too late. And if these signs go unresolved, you could be headed down a dark path in your relationship.
I dealt with the compulsive liar in my dating years. And unfortunately, they destroyed my faith in a loyal, trustworthy relationship for a period of my young, vulnerable life. It took many years to give my desire for one day to be married, a loving husband and family a clean slate, without judgement by my past relationships.
But the one thing I wish I had known in all of those instances of deceit were the earlier signs that I was dating a liar. They may have been very subtle, or nothing to go as far as throwing away the relationship for – but they were signs worth addressing, coming clean with and allowing one door to close while another opens.
And when I say some of the signs can be subtle and harmless, I am trying to say (without being quick to judge) that if you’re already in this bumpy situation, those ‘harmless signs’ may worsen from there.
6 Signs That You Are Dating A Liar
He keeps secrets from you
It doesn’t have to be a serious secret. Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you he was out having a beer with the guys after work, and just let you believe he was working late. And maybe because you didn’t ask, he didn’t feel he needed to tell you his whereabouts.
But maybe a couple days later you find out what he actually did rather than work late, and you begin to wonder what else he keeps from you. You don’t expect him to tell you every bit of detail in his life, but you felt he should ‘want’ to and have enough respect to. If your feelings matter to him, he shouldn’t want to keep anything from you that would damage the trust in the relationship.
He gets defensive when you find out about something he kept from you
It takes that one time to catch him in a lie, or having kept a secret, for the true behavior of a liar to emerge. If you approach him on the matter, and he refuses to talk about it – that’s a sign of guilt in the form of defense, or he is flat out immature when it comes to relationships and communication.
If he tries to justify his actions by pointing out unrelated flaws in the relationship, or something he is unhappy about with you – he is trying to avoid the real issue at hand. If he has any remorse of the fact he hurt your feelings, then he will take responsibility for his bad choices and empathize with you.
He gets defensive, period
If he has a defensive attitude towards issues you try to discuss within the relationship, he could be veering the subject away from another lie, or secret he is currently wrapped in. He knows at some point he will either cave, you’ll find out, or you will ask all the right questions in forcing him to lie even more. The most effective way guys handle these situations are to become defensive, and act as if they are being ‘attacked’.
This can lead to an unstable relationship emotionally. If this is already occurring in your relationship, it may be time to reevaluate the importance of the relationship to you, and him. Address the matter and begin by repairing this behavior before it becomes the reason of a failed relationship. If addressing this issue is only one sided, or he fails to understand his behavior, it’s probably safe to say your feelings and his effort in the relationship isn’t a priority.
He works overly hard on gaining your trust (for no reason)
This sounds promising, but this on-going or short-lived behavior in turn is actually a bad sign. It’s a sign that your partner has either had issues in past relationships with trust (whether he broke the trust or the other way around), and it’s a sign that he has possibly already broken the trust in the current relationship – whether in a big or small way.
This behavior could be frequent phone calls to let you know what he’s doing and where he is at. I don’t mean in the respectful fashion of letting you know he’s running to the grocery store to get milk and is asking if you want anything. It means anything that strikes you as out of the ordinary behavior that you may want to keep track of.
He avoids conversation (or certain ones)
If it has come to a point in your relationship where things are complacent – you don’t need to have a full on conversation during dinner every night. Sometimes you enjoy the silence of each other’s company. That’s understandable – nothing wrong with that.
But if he tends to avoid conversation, especially when it pertains to working through issues in the relationship, it could mean that there are things better left ‘unsaid’ so that you don’t find out what they are.
I dated a guy for two years who eventually got a job working late nights at a gym, working well into the early morning. While, I, would normally be asleep by the time he left work. We didn’t live together, so it was normal for me to ask how work went the next time we spoke. He really didn’t like talking about work, and was very short-tempered when I would engage in conversation about it; reason being months later come to find out he was spending time ‘meeting people‘ while he worked, and went out ‘partying’ after work with these people while I would be home asleep. I realized I wasn’t a priority, or an important factor on his mind as he made these decisions, so I left that situation real quick after that.
He is hypocritical
If he is upset that you didn’t let him know what time you would be home from girls night out, but feels he doesn’t need to do the same for you when he goes out with the guys, then he is being hypocritical.
The ‘tit-for-tat‘ thing was very prominent for many of the guys I dated at a young age. Keeping tabs was somewhat of a world-renounced game, for some odd reason. But once it starts, it’s an endless trap and a sticky situation to work your way through when dating. It always led to me simply having to let go of the relationship.
It’s important to know and understand all of these signs before approaching the issue in person. We’re all human, we all make mistakes – but not on a regular basis, and intentionally make them. If you feel these signs are a part of your relationship currently – think about how often you noticed these signs. Do they upset you, or make you trust less? Do you feel it is dragging down your self worth? If so, it may be time to realize your worth and get out of being in that situation.
The reason you hear people say, ‘I can’t just leave… nobody understands. It’s too late for that…‘ is because they’re right – it is too late. They realize how much of their lives became invested in the fact they accepted that behavior – they accepted their self worth as being mediocre and that all of the above behavior is just the way life is.
Well, no, it’s not. With a sense of self worth (which isn’t always present at the drop of a dime), you can leave a relationship that has settled in negative behavior. And that is why I wrote an article on why women with self worth have more successful relationships.
Even if you’ve been in a perfectly happy relationship for 10 years, and suddenly you realize you are dating a liar – that DOES NOT mean you accept that behavior.
Take a stand – make a change – sooner than later!